So You’re Driving a Rock Band on Tour: Congratulations (and Condolences)

BY: Evan J. Thomas

​Driving a rock band on tour sounds glamorous, right? You’re the captain of the ship, steering a ragtag crew of eyeliner, leather jackets, and questionable decision-making across the highways of America. Reality check: you’re basically a glorified Uber driver with worse hours, more complaints, and zero tips and be ready to find the next rest stop so everyone can hit the toilets.

Rule #1: The Van Is Alive, and It Hates You
Forget Teslas and hybrids — you’ll be piloting a 6 to 15-passenger beast that’s older than half the band. The AC only works when you’re going uphill, one seat smells permanently like feet (or the whole RV in this case), while everyone in the RV is on their own time frame. Don’t worry, caffeine and snacks are standard tools of the trade.

Rule #2: Band Members Don’t Believe in Time
If the call time is 8:00 a.m., prepare to leave around noon. The drummer’s still asleep, the guitarist’s lost a shoe, and the singer is having an existential crisis over which pair of pants says “rockstar but approachable.”  You’ll learn to yell “we’re leaving in 5!” about six times before anyone believes you.

Rule #3: Your GPS Is a Liar
That “shortest route” will take you down a road that looks like the opening scene of a horror movie. Hope you like explaining to the band why you’re parked in front of a barn in Ohio instead of a club in Columbus

Rule #4: The Aux Cord Wars
The driver should control the music, right? Wrong. You’ll spend half the tour listening to “experimental demos” from the bassist’s side project and the other half enduring a four-hour deep dive into Scandinavian death metal because the guitarist “swears it helps them relax.” Or hope you have an aux cord or do as I did and just listen off your phone speaker. Find a good podcast as well.

Rule #5: You’re Also the Babysitter
Drivers don’t just drive. You’re the snack provider, argument mediator, emergency therapist, and tour guide as you researched places to see while you have a few hours in a new city.

Rule #6: Post-Show Smells Are Real
When the show ends, the real horror begins. You’ll be trapped in a metal tube with sweaty humans, two pizza boxes, tacos, coffee and someone’s wet socks. Febreze won’t save you. Nothing will.

The Silver Lining
Despite all this — the van breakdowns, late nights, endless fast-food receipts, and the creeping suspicion that your left leg has fallen asleep permanently — being the driver comes with front-row access to chaos, comedy, and the kind of memories you’ll laugh about forever (once you’ve caught up on sleep). So buckle up. You’re not just a driver — you’re the unsung hero of rock ‘n’ roll logistics. And when the band finally makes it big, you’ll have the satisfaction of saying, “Yeah, I got them there alive… most of the time.”